The Lazy Douchebag--Chapter Two

Believe me, I had every intention of blogging today about the impending political crisis in Canada, although I also flirted with the idea of updating you all on the latest adventures of Tapeworm and the Little Sprout. I had/have any number of fascinating and thought-provoking subjects on which to write, but at about 3:30 today, something happened that put all of that on hold.

See, I have been very vocal at work about the shortcomings of the Lazy Douchebag. My boss can also see for herself how utterly lame LD is, and has already had LD into her office for "one of those chats" two or three times. After LD's second day off (in two weeks) yesterday, Boss Lady assured me that LD would be spoken to again about picking up the pace while doing the mail.

I went to work this morning, confident in the belief that this would occur. And the sight of LD weeping and snivelling in her mother's cubicle outside Boss Lady's office at 7:30 this morning certainly indicated that "the chat" had been as eviscerating as I could possibly have wanted it to be. Upon starting her shift at 8:00, LD was sullen and subdued. Well, except for those moments when she bitched and whined about having to finish all of yesterday's mail, which I had done all on my own with the help of K., whose regular job is Executive Assistant to the three CEOs of the company. We did this mail because, as you know, LD had yesterday off because her yard ape was coming in from the east.

(And just to illustrate how the apple never falls very far from the tree, LD's mother was also absent yesterday, despite having had a flex day on Friday and calling in sick on Monday. LD's mother's absences are legendary in the office: I could start an office pool and probably make a tidy sum by getting everyone to bet on which days she is likely to take as "sick days" or how many days in any given month, something like that. If she was honestly sick, I'd be the first one in line with sympathy for her, but this is the same woman who called in sick and got caught shopping that very same day. She's the Office Douchebag known as The Malingerer. But I digress.)

So imagine my surprise when at 3:30, Boss Lady called S., my colleague, and me into her office and had us close the door. S. is a paranoic, constantly worried that she is "in shit" for something, even though she never actually does anything to warrant getting shit. I wasn't worried because we in the Support Centre are AWESOME: we have both been busting our humps doing not only our jobs but LD's as well, on top of all the extra pulling of claims that the executive have been asking us to do AND the hours of overtime we've been putting in. I mean, when I say we're awesome, I mean it: we work hard, we're dedicated, we hardly ever complain, we're punctual, pleasant, fun, efficient and accurate. And the company shows its appreciation for us in lots of little ways: it's not a big company, but it tries really hard. We're there largely because we want to be, because lemme tell ya, brothers and sisters, it aint cuz the work is so fucking stimulating.

Anyhoo...

Once we are seated and the door securely shut, Boss Lady informs S. and me that at 10:30 that very morning, LD had appeared in her office, very upset because she feels she is left to do all the mail all by herself all of the time, and on days like Monday and Tuesday, this is very hard for her to manage.

S. and I sat there in silence, absolutely gobsmacked. Mondays and Tuesdays are our heaviest mail days, that is true. For example, this Monday, we got six bins, which is about three or four thousand pieces of mail. We got the same on Tuesday. It's a lot. No doubt about it. That's why every Monday and Tuesday, I personally do half of the mail. I open, sort, datestamp and count every piece of mail from every province and territory in Canada except Ontario. That's LD's sole job. To do Ontario. While I do the rest.

But apparently, that's still too much work for her to do, and when Boss Lady suggested that she needs to hustle her ass, and quit fiddling with her fucking mp3 player, LD was incensed! Outraged! S and I just stared open-mouthed at Boss Lady as she recounted the meeting.

Sadly, because LD only has another week and a half with us, it is too late to fire her lazy bedenim-ed ass, because even if she is still doing half a person's work, it is still that little bit we DON'T have to do. (We're already pulling her claims. The filing, alas, is piling up.) And, because we cannot force her to work faster or more efficiently, Boss Lady is pulling in someone from another department to help LD open her mail on Mondays and Tuesdays.

So: let's do the math, shall we? LD was hired to take up the slack during the temporary absence of another employee. Her tasks are simple: open half of the mail on Mondays and Tuesdays, and all of the mail the rest of the week. Now, because of her incompetence and stupidity, she has been relieved of all duties except this one and, instead of taking up the slack, she has now created work for at least three other staff members, including one from outside our department.

But she was quick to reassure Boss Lady that she doesn't want S. and I to be upset with her.

I'd like to propose a vote: How many of you think I can get through the next week and a half without saying anything inflammatory to LD? Something without using the word "cunt" in it (which might get me written up).

Vote!

EDIT: Or maybe the question ought to be "Should I say something inflammatory to LD"?