Censorship Douchebaggery

Okay, so I admit: my guilty little secret lately has been my obsession with Lady GaGa's "Poker Face". The video is utterly daft and lacking in any redeeming qualities whatsoever (except the first 32 seconds: that's hawt, yo. Whew.) Her blue bathing suit is really goofy, and the skinny jerk with the package in his tighty-whities at about 1:45 is just repulsive. GaGa should stick to (inexplicably) lounging next to the pool in skintight black latex with enormous dogs.

(And before I go any further, I just have to go on record as saying that I must be getting old or something, because as sexy as the opening of this video is, all I can think is that a latex cat suit is not exactly loungewear, if you're fortunate enough to live in a place where it is feasible to have an outdoor pool. I mean, wouldn't you sweat like a pig in an outfit like that? PEW!)

The song imminently danceable though, which I think is why I like it so much. (Also, I'm a dyke, which means I have a certain weakness for power tools, plaid jackets and fluffy dance music. I can't help it: I also liked "Blue" by Eiffel 65. I'm not proud, but it's a fact. I look back on it now and shudder. And to my credit, I do not like Britney Spears. A girl has to have some standards.)

What puzzles me specifically is how the censors arrive at the decision to leave out certain lyrics.

For example, in the second verse, Lady GaGa sings, "Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun/And, baby, when it's love, if it's not rough, it isn't fun."

In the official music video, The Powers That Be have chosen to eliminate the words "Russian" and "gun", but left the entire phrase "If it's not rough, it isn't fun" intact.

WTF? What's up with "Russian"? Have the earth's Russians suddenly been really outspoken about not being associated with a stupid boy trick? We don't want to offend them ever since they lost the Cold War? What's up with that?

And I get the gun thing (I guess, for those who lack the brain cells to grasp the concept of metaphor), but if you're going to leave out the potentially violent imagery, how do you justify leaving in the explicit S&M reference? Is one less offensive/objectionable than the other?

You could, I suppose, argue that the various expressions of human sexuality are beautiful and natural (unless you count cake farts), whereas guns are instruments of brutality and destruction.
And you'd have a good point, except in the case of the "Poker Face" video.

See, there's a part in the bridge where she says, "I'm bluffin' with my muffin" (Best. Line. Evar.), and the censors also left in the line, "I'm just stunnin' with my love glue-gunnin'"?

(Of course, that might be a simple case of, "We don't know what the fuck she's talking about: Love glue-gunnin': what is that? Do people really use glue guns in a sexual context?" To which I would say, "They are very popular with the Michael's set. Those scrapbookers are a wild bunch. In fact, there's a whole raft of people out there who get off on popping balloons between their knees," and if you think I'm making this up for comic effect, you need to check this out.)

Anyway, all of that aside, I think eliminating words from songs is bullshit anyway. In Canada, there is no actual law against broadcasting songs with explicit lyrics or even swearing on the radio (it might be different on tv, I dunno). It isn't generally done because the conservative majority feels we need to protect the children or some such shit. So, in order to avoid offending the delicate sensibilities of the general public (read: unwashed masses), artists who have the balls to tell it like it is in the first place have to censor their own works if they want their shit to make it on air during prime time.

In the case of a music video, though--especially this one--it's pointless and stupid. A gun does not ever appear in the video. And although they blank out the word "muffin", GaGa reaches for hers as she says it, so the kiddies are gonna get the idea, even if the slower among them think she is saying, "I'm bluffin' with my piss flaps" or whatever they're calling it on the playground these days. (Vajayjay? Beef curtains? Fairy pocket? I have no idea. S. at work, calls it a "yang". A while ago, she asked the assistant manager of the call centre if they shaved her yang when she gave birth. It's a very liberal office.)

Anyway, it's confusing and retarded. Kind of like the song itself.