Friday, 8 May 2009

Sartorial Douchebaggery

I can always tell when spring has finally arrived. As perennial as the robin and lilacs, clueless tools in socks and sandals appear, proclaiming to the world exactly how little they care about their appearance.

Men are by far the worst offenders of this rule. Women have their own foibles, but lately, I have been confronted mostly with lazy-assed men who just can't be arsed.


I am on the Social Committee at work. Every year, the company throws a big bash for all of the employees that features incredible food, drinks and usually some form of entertainment. On top of all that, there are prizes. And it's all free. Employees don't pay a friggin' dime (which doesn't keep some of them from whining about something, which blows me away. It's free and it's excellent. Shut your fuckin' piehole).

Anyway, this year, our annual event is being held at a golf course with a strict "no denim" policy. The entertainment is a murder mystery set in Capone-era Chicago, and the golf course is so strict with this no denim policy that the entertainment can't wear jeans while they set up. In the past couple of days, however, I have been approached by two women here at work whose boyfriends are complaining that they don't like to wear slacks. One girl even asked me if it was okay for "Blair" to wear a nice western shirt and a pair of jeans?

Well, first off, honey, there's no such thing as a "nice Western shirt". They ALL look retarded, so don't even go there. Secondly, the "no jeans" policy has been advertised for weeks, so tell Blair to get his ass into some khakis or something. Frankly, if our company is paying $40.00 + to feed your lazy ass tonight, you can find something besides jeans to wear.

And thirdly, what kind of name is "Blair"? That's not really a boy's name. "Blair" is the name of the priviledged girl with the feathered hair on The Facts Of Life who had a deeply convoluted and subconscious lesbian thing going for Jo, the lower-class rebel with the bad Jersey accent.

But you can't be dating her, cuz she'd know how to dress.

So it's too bad you're not.