Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Understanding Bryan

As many followers of my blog know, I named my largest ovarian cyst after Bryan Adams. This is because I hate him with a hot, hot heat. It's not just that I hate his music (which I do--I will turn the radio off when he comes on rather than suffer through his cancer-throated grunting and less-than-original songs about lost youth and dead princesses); there is a real and personal story behind my loathing that I might share with you all one day.

Today is not that day, however.

My friend, G., dropped by the house on Monday, bearing in her hands a book she had picked up from the public library, called Uterine Fibroids by Dr. Elizabeth A. Stewart out of John Hopkins University. G. told me she thought of me upon seeing it, and thought I might get some use out of the information contained therein.

She wasn't kidding. Within minutes, I was saying to the Little Hunneydoo, "Yanno what would be amusing? If I changed the phrase 'uterine fibroid' to 'Bryan Adams' while I read this book."

And here I am, dear reader, to share my nuggets of wisdom with you, courtesy of Dr. Stewart.

For example, did you know that more than $2 billion per year is spent in the U.S. on hospitalization costs due to Bryan Adams?

Or that Bryan Adams is the leading cause of hysterectomy in the U.S.?

Some women have some frank questions about this issue. They want to know, "How do I stop Bryan Adams from growing and causing me problems?"

As well as, "How do I prevent having the same problems with Bryan Adams that my mother had?"

Sadly, the only consistent answer the good doctor has for us is "We don't know." But she does reassure us that "the changing importance of women economically has aided the search for better interventions for Bryan Adams." Thank God for that, because she also goes on to report that women with Bryan Adams often report having periods that are painful or heavy (or both). Certainly, he gives me an acute rectal pain, if not a stabbing sensation in the wahoo.

In the final chapter, however, Dr. Stewart admits that "It is unlikely that a 'magic bullet' for Bryan Adams will be found in my lifetime." And that's too bad, because Canada has spent a lot of years apologizing for that lame prick. Both my nation and my ovary are tired of it.

Piss off, Bryan.