How Very Dare You!

Dear Flake,
Thank you for returning our house key. I confess, I was confused as to why you took it with you, rather than leaving it with the Little Hunneydoo when I asked you to leave our house last Monday. To my mind, there are only two reasons why you would keep the key to a place you have been thrown out of: you either a) intend to return and jack or generally wreck my shit, or b) you need an excuse to return to the house and leave a letter like the one you left in the mailbox with the key last night.

I am delighted that your motive was the latter, although you can rest assured that we set the alarm after your hasty departure.

I will now take this opportunity to respond to some of the points you have raised in your letter. I don't imagine you will ever see this response, since it's obvious that your note is intended to allow you the last word. But for my own mental and emotional health, I feel the need to make some kind of answer.

You wrote: Thank you for the opportunity to be in a space that was safe and available when I had difficulty in my life.

You're welcome, but I neither want nor require your gratitude.

I understand the challenge you had with my arrival time in December and my arrival times upon returning at night.

Really? It's interesting to say that you understand because you certainly didn't change your behaviour. You continued to come in late, or to call late when you "lost track of time", and when you did come in on time, you immediately set about to cooking your supper at 11:00 p.m. You mentioned in your several apologetic phone calls that you didn't want to be "jerky", but when the behaviour persists, you are, in fact, a jerk. I'm sure you were genuinely sorry, but emotions don't take the place of actions.

As for your arrival time in December, that, too was dreary. It is not the first time you have woken us up at 4:30 in the morning in crisis, but I can assure you, it will be the last. What was meant to be a place to crash for a few days turned into six weeks in which you proceeded to live your disorganized life in our space.

I did not deserve to be yelled at.

Well, you'll have to forgive me, but I had tried talking to you nicely about it the week before, and saw no change in your behaviour. In fact, I only saw more signs that you had no intention of being out of our space by February 1st. You yourself said I had been "very nice" during the chat about your late-night comings and goings, including one episode where you swanned into the house at 1:40 on a work night, setting off the dogs. I asked you nicely, the Little Hunneydoo made her feelings clear, and still, you persisted in being disruptive and ultimately disrespectful. So yeah, I yelled a little when I threw your ass out.

I contributed in ways that I could. I paid you money (not much), I shared groceries, did dishes, let dogs in and out, gave the Little Hunneydoo a ride to work and did what I could do. I did not disrupt everything. Somethings, yes.

These thing were very nice, to be sure. It is unfortunate that you let the dogs out at 2:00 a.m. and woke us up with the alarm. I'm sure your heart was in the right place. More unfortunate, however, is the fact that no matter how we emphazised its importance to us, you could not manage to be in at the right hour (and when you weren't coming in late, you were phoning us at 11:00/11:15 to tell us so) or otherwise organize your life so that you weren't cooking when you got home at 10:45. When we are trying to settle in to sleep. So, while your contributions were lovely, the ones we needed most from you were not forthcoming and resulted in your being asked to leave.

As for the money: I told you--and you admit that I told you--not to give us any. We weren't and aren't interested in your money. We were much more interested in seeing you put it towards your own place. When you were asked to leave, it was offered back to you and you declined. So don't even bring the money up. It is a non-issue. It in no way at any time guaranteed your on-going space here.

Sorry you're having health problems, Sharon. I hope they are resolved soon.

Thank you.

I got to observe some of your day-to-day activities.

Really? And when was that. given that all three of us work full-time and you were--as mentioned constantly in this letter--scarcely home before 11:00? But do carry on...

I do not think some of the things you say are funny or loving, Sharon (an example would be, "Strip, bitch"). If that's okay between you two, okay for you.

This is quite possibly the best part of your whole letter, Flake. I find it rich to be offered relationship advice from YOU. Aren't you the woman whose husband called her by his first wife's name on your wedding night during coitus? Aren't you the woman whose husband raped her? Aren't you the woman whose husband set her up on false weapons charges, of which you were subsequently convicted, resulting in a permanent mark on your record? Aren't you the woman who went BACK to this man??? Only to have you call us at 4:30 in the morning in the middle of December because your marriage was in crisis AGAIN???

Yeah, honey, no offense, but taking relationship advuce from you is like taking weight loss tips from Oprah Winfrey.

What you observed is our public face. It is the same face we show to our friends. If the Little Hunneydoo truly had an issue with the way I talk to her, I trust her and rely upon her to let me know. Because we have that kind of relationship. You know, the kind where rape and criminal charges do not figure. Do not assume that she is in any way a victim. Unlike you, my wife has learned from her mistakes and has grown.

As for not finding me funny--big deal. I've played to tougher crowds than you.

I did see loving exchanges of food (???--What are we, chimpanzees?--Ed.) and conversation that I did admire. I'm glad I got to witness that kind of sharing. I know you love and care for one another.

Yeah, whatever.

I love your dogs.

I'll let them know. I'm sure they will pee on the floor with delight.

I'm happy you got a lovely new cat. I'm glad you have a house with space for gardening and entertaining. I'm happy you see and entertain friends.

What I hear you saying is you wish you had these things as well. But your life and attitudes will have to change drastically to realize all that, honey.

I'm returning your key with a sincere thank you for the trust that it took to give it to me and I appreciate all you did for me.

Again, you're welcome. But never again.

Sharon,
If you say something snotty after reading this note then that's about you, not me. I've stayed friends with you during some times when it was hard to be your friend. Sorry things didn't go exactly as you wanted it to; it didn't for me either.

Flake,
I don't think this note is as snotty as much as yours is presumptuous and passive aggressive. I am cognizant of your past kindnesses and thought they were mutual, the way friendships are. I did not realize we were keeping a tally. However, I trust that after this latest exchange, any debt that I owed you has been discharged.

I would like to reiterate that if you had simply respected our wishes around the late night activity, things would have been alright. So examine your behaviour, honey. That's all I'm saying.

In all honesty,

Me.