My employer makes short term counselling available to us, even if my employer is the cause for these sessions, and since the last two weeks have been incredible shit shows, I decided to take advantage of the resources available to me.
Because to be frank, people, I don't know how much longer I can do this. Seriously. There are days when the only thing keeping me in that chair is the fact that I have a mortgage, a car payment and responsibilities to my wife that I simply cannot chuck.
And it isn't the personalities anymore. Yes, Teeth and Yvette and Princess Anne are the kind of unthinking, close-minded, WalMart-shopping assholes that make my hair curl. Why just this week, in response to the Travis Baumgartner slayings, Princess Anne announced that she wishes capital punishment was an option in this country because it is "immoral" for us to feed, clothe, educate (or rehabilitate) people who kill other people. And no amount of discussion with her about the hypocrisy of "Killing is wrong unless performed by the State" or "Justice isn't about revenge" would sway her. Now, if Princess Anne could provide facts with her opinions, if she could point out to me that in these many cases, rehabilitation programs don't work or whatever, I could respect that. But no: she's just a frightened, uninformed arsehole with no critical analysis or wish to challenge herself beyond what she believes to be true.
Whatever. This isn't about capital punishment, or Teeth or anyone other than me. This is about the fact that I go to bed at night and spend those hours either not sleeping or dreaming about billing. This is about the fact that when I try to talk to my supervisor about issues, my emails (the last five or six) go completely unanswered and unacknowledged. This is about the fact that I am given an impossible task to perform and none of the resources with which to do it. This is about the fact that I wasn't even given an interview for a job in dispatch because none of my supervisors want the hassle of training someone else to do my job. This is about the fact that my last paycheque came to less than $1000.00.
I mentioned that my branch of work is taking on new contracts and that I am seeing an increase in my work load. Previously, I was expected to do 50 or 60 bills a day and I was able to do it and stay on top of my other duties. Over the past month, however, my workload has doubled. Tuesdays are deadlines, and it is expected that all of the bills in my queue loaded before cut-off are to be invoiced and settled. This is so our custmers get charged and our drivers get paid. I am expected to do 100 bills a day. There are 20 bills to a page in my queue. Yesterday when I left work, I had 13 pages of bills, all for before cut-off, in my queue. I am expected to stay late on Tuesdays to get it done. Even if I had stayed another eight hours, I could not have done all that is expected of me.
I am being set up for failure (again) and I deeply resent it. I don't sleep, I make inappropriate choices around eating because I just can't be arsed to make good ones, I just want quick and easy. I ruminate, I don't go to fencing or dog agility or tae-kwan-do; I don't DO anything (except write--I manage to do a lot of that, but still...). I am moderately depressed and operating from a place of fear and doubt. I feel powerless and trapped.
And having explained all of this to the counselor this morning, she agreed that it is dragging me down. She asked me if I have a hero that I look up to whose example I could use as a guide until I can effect my exit.
"Joan of Arc?" I said, but somehow, leading a righteous army and calling down the wrath of God upon my enemies wasn't what the counselor had in mind.
I figured Eleanor of Aquitaine, who would have had them all beheaded, wasn't going to satisfy her either, so after thinking about it for a few minutes, I said that, as a Hindu, we're supposed to cultivate detachment. She seized on that like a rat on a terrier.
"Detachment! Precisely!" she said. "What would a Hindu sage do when confronted with that behaviour? But remember, detachment doesn't mean not caring."
And I can see the wisdom of her words, but I don't know if I can do it. I have tried to change the situation by complaining to my supervisors and confronting Teeth about her behaviour: their response was to promote her. I cannot change that place. Not content to just sit and complain, I am trying to get the fuck out: I have applied for other jobs, a wonderful woman of great resources has updated my resume, and I have an appointment on Friday at a local technical college to explore options around going back to school briefly and changing my career.
But in the meantime, I just don't give a fuck. I was supposed to go back to the office after my appointment. I simply could not. I have, in the past few months, had sick weeks where there was nothing physically wrong with me: just the thought of going into that place was an impossibility. I am no longer invested in the quality of my work. The only reason I am still there is that I cannot stress the Little Hunneydoo out by simply walking away from that toxic, nasty place.
I went in seeking some short term disability, but I'm not going to get it. The counselor suggested we meet again, and I will go, but I am seriously at an end here, people. The mere thought of seven and a half hours, five days a week, sitting in front of that screen for a wage that is insulting, is virtually insurmountable.
What would Ganesh do?
Because to be frank, people, I don't know how much longer I can do this. Seriously. There are days when the only thing keeping me in that chair is the fact that I have a mortgage, a car payment and responsibilities to my wife that I simply cannot chuck.
And it isn't the personalities anymore. Yes, Teeth and Yvette and Princess Anne are the kind of unthinking, close-minded, WalMart-shopping assholes that make my hair curl. Why just this week, in response to the Travis Baumgartner slayings, Princess Anne announced that she wishes capital punishment was an option in this country because it is "immoral" for us to feed, clothe, educate (or rehabilitate) people who kill other people. And no amount of discussion with her about the hypocrisy of "Killing is wrong unless performed by the State" or "Justice isn't about revenge" would sway her. Now, if Princess Anne could provide facts with her opinions, if she could point out to me that in these many cases, rehabilitation programs don't work or whatever, I could respect that. But no: she's just a frightened, uninformed arsehole with no critical analysis or wish to challenge herself beyond what she believes to be true.
Whatever. This isn't about capital punishment, or Teeth or anyone other than me. This is about the fact that I go to bed at night and spend those hours either not sleeping or dreaming about billing. This is about the fact that when I try to talk to my supervisor about issues, my emails (the last five or six) go completely unanswered and unacknowledged. This is about the fact that I am given an impossible task to perform and none of the resources with which to do it. This is about the fact that I wasn't even given an interview for a job in dispatch because none of my supervisors want the hassle of training someone else to do my job. This is about the fact that my last paycheque came to less than $1000.00.
I mentioned that my branch of work is taking on new contracts and that I am seeing an increase in my work load. Previously, I was expected to do 50 or 60 bills a day and I was able to do it and stay on top of my other duties. Over the past month, however, my workload has doubled. Tuesdays are deadlines, and it is expected that all of the bills in my queue loaded before cut-off are to be invoiced and settled. This is so our custmers get charged and our drivers get paid. I am expected to do 100 bills a day. There are 20 bills to a page in my queue. Yesterday when I left work, I had 13 pages of bills, all for before cut-off, in my queue. I am expected to stay late on Tuesdays to get it done. Even if I had stayed another eight hours, I could not have done all that is expected of me.
I am being set up for failure (again) and I deeply resent it. I don't sleep, I make inappropriate choices around eating because I just can't be arsed to make good ones, I just want quick and easy. I ruminate, I don't go to fencing or dog agility or tae-kwan-do; I don't DO anything (except write--I manage to do a lot of that, but still...). I am moderately depressed and operating from a place of fear and doubt. I feel powerless and trapped.
And having explained all of this to the counselor this morning, she agreed that it is dragging me down. She asked me if I have a hero that I look up to whose example I could use as a guide until I can effect my exit.
"Joan of Arc?" I said, but somehow, leading a righteous army and calling down the wrath of God upon my enemies wasn't what the counselor had in mind.
I figured Eleanor of Aquitaine, who would have had them all beheaded, wasn't going to satisfy her either, so after thinking about it for a few minutes, I said that, as a Hindu, we're supposed to cultivate detachment. She seized on that like a rat on a terrier.
"Detachment! Precisely!" she said. "What would a Hindu sage do when confronted with that behaviour? But remember, detachment doesn't mean not caring."
And I can see the wisdom of her words, but I don't know if I can do it. I have tried to change the situation by complaining to my supervisors and confronting Teeth about her behaviour: their response was to promote her. I cannot change that place. Not content to just sit and complain, I am trying to get the fuck out: I have applied for other jobs, a wonderful woman of great resources has updated my resume, and I have an appointment on Friday at a local technical college to explore options around going back to school briefly and changing my career.
But in the meantime, I just don't give a fuck. I was supposed to go back to the office after my appointment. I simply could not. I have, in the past few months, had sick weeks where there was nothing physically wrong with me: just the thought of going into that place was an impossibility. I am no longer invested in the quality of my work. The only reason I am still there is that I cannot stress the Little Hunneydoo out by simply walking away from that toxic, nasty place.
I went in seeking some short term disability, but I'm not going to get it. The counselor suggested we meet again, and I will go, but I am seriously at an end here, people. The mere thought of seven and a half hours, five days a week, sitting in front of that screen for a wage that is insulting, is virtually insurmountable.
What would Ganesh do?
8 comments:
Just think of how Ganesh got his elephant head. (Talk about detachment stories!) He was standing guard while Parvathi was bathing. And not knowing Shiva was his father, halted him at the door. And Shiva not knowing Ganesh was his son, who was standing in the way of Shiva seeing Parvathi, Shiva beheaded Ganesh, only to find out afterwards the grave error. And in search of a replacement head, to save Ganesh's life, a kindly elephant bowed down and sacrificed his own, so Ganesh may live. (I'm paraphrasing, mind you.)
While it is hard to do as the Gita suggests vis-a-vis doing your duty for the sake of your duty, relinquishing the expectation of rewards or acknowledgement, WHO really has the ego enough to do just that?
This also illustrates how or why I believe the Golden Rule is defective: Because it's not a universally held philosophy. Sure, other religions and cultures have something similar, but I'm talking about the every day lay person actually talking the talk and walking the walk.
I am where you are. Srsly. (If you friend me on my other FB account, you'd see far more activity and posts, some of which are devoted to the unabashed fuckeduppedness of my workplace.
I sympathize and empathize. I do. For my own purposes, I reached a turning point not quite two weeks back. I realized that while they pay me to work, they don't pay me to GIVE A SHIT. Also, I've taken to verbalizing my hatred for certain co-workers. To them directly. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted.
Sure, it might just be a Sisyphusian respite running behind that boulder as it's going downhill (before I have to labor to get that boulder back up the hill), but I'll take it. For now.
In the meantime, I continue to diversify my retirement portfolio with the Megaball, Lotto and scratch off lottery tickets.
XOXO
I much MUCH prefer this story of how Ganesh got his head, in which the elephant offers his head, instead of Shiva tearing it off the first creature He encounters. Thank you for reminding me, Maven.
Maven speaks wisdom.
Sometimes not caring may be the only kind of detachment possible, other than detaching yourself physically from the situation.
Sending positive thoughts and hoping some better options are coming your way soon.
I'm sorry to hear this. I, too, had such a job once. Don't let this ruin your health or your relationships. You already know you have to get out. Until you find the job of your dreams or decide to return to school, you have two options. Go to work each day, work your regular hours and do the best you can, leaving at your regular time whether you have met their unrealistic expectations or not, and explain to them, if they should complain, that that is the best you can do. The ball will then be in their court to deal with the situation one way or the other. Your second option is to take any other job you can short term - serve coffee, work in a book store, whatever, just so long as it is a job that has realistic expectations and reasonable compensation, and allows you some peace of mind and dignity. There must be something like that out there. I wish I could help you with this situation and hope for a quick solution. May Ganesh be with you.
One question I always posed to supervisors and managers who heaped more on my full workload;
"While I'm doing this, what do you want me to stop doing?"
The typical reaction was usually an intake of breath, the realization that there is no answer that will meet their needs, and the same look you see on poker players' faces when you turn over the hand that beats their three of a kind.
Fun!
sometimes, my job gets overwhelmingly stressful just due to the nature of the work. I have a xanax prescription that I utilize rarely.... but boy does that ever take the edge off of my anxiety. just sayin. :)
@Elizabeth I suffer from really bad pain issues thanks to joint pain and pretty moderate adenomyosis pain (It's kinda like endometriosis, but amped up on LSD & PCP, GOOD TIMES!) As such I almost always have an emergency vicodin on me. I have, on occasion, taken one while at work. And on those days? I can honestly say I totally, effectively, give up what little give a fuck ever remained. I'm not a recreational Rx user; however, I could honestly see how some folks fall prey to that.
AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) has a mantra: "Fake it to make it." I suppose the premise is to put forth what you idealize, and eventually it will self-manifest.
Oh dearheart,
Hang in there.
I found your blog looking for reviews about the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel and stuck around to read a bit more.
You have so tapped into my inner dialogue on where I am in my life. Counting the days I may or may not have left. Not earning enough money to support myself. The stress of every day living, particularly at a job you do not enjoy.
You have picked the best option - working very hard to find another job, which is a job all by itself. And you are doing the honorable thing by your partner in remaining in your current employment until you can secure another job.
I know it all seems unbearable, but hang in there. Right now, I have so many troubles, mostly financial, that I have no idea how I am going to solve them all. But I will. Somehow. At least I have a job that I enjoy, even if it is not very lucrative. That peace of mind is very hard to replace, so, if and when you do find a new job, take it and do not look back.
Good luck hon.
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