Has the last week or so been directly from the wrong side of hell? Have you stood in the smouldering ruin of your day and thought, "What the FUCK?" Has it felt like Life, the Universe and Everything have gleefully taken turns kicking you as hard as cosmically possible in the jimmy bubbles?
ME, TOO.
Yanno why? Apparently, Mercury is in retrograde. Maybe you don't believe in all that hocus pocus, or maybe you're more inclined to believe that everyone around you is in full-on douchebag mode. It's all true. And yanno what else is true? Mercury doesn't fix itself until the 26th, so we have a whole other week to put up with this bullshit.
WHEEE. CAN'T FUCKIN' WAIT.
Because this past week has been a long, uninterupted litany of selfishness, passive aggression, and relentless stupidity. Attention clients: if I tell you over the phone that the lawyer is in court all day and cannot return your call, that information does not magically change if you email me fifteen minutes later. No, I will not give you the lawyer's cell phone number. Yes, your matter is important, but so is everyone else's.
Important things to remember, people:
1. Stay on your meds.
2. Everytime you call, it costs you money. Choose your issues wisely.
3. Details about your (anal) sex life are rarely pertinent or interesting to anyone except you. Unless details are solicited, keep them to yourself.
Other Things That Have Occurred To Me Over the Last While:
1. I am committed to being a vegetarian, I really am, but sometimes, I just want a big mother-fucking plate of beef ribs, goddamit. And don't spare the sauce. I don't give a damn about the subsequent diarrhea. Just get me an economy-sized box of Depends, some moist towelettes and get in the fucking car; we're going to Royal Buffet.
2. Most people require some kind of supervision. And by the time they need a lawyer, they also need a shrink. Criminals are typically more honest and straightforward compared to a divorcing couple. When a criminal shivs a guy, he gets convicted, does his time and gets on with it. Family Law has taught me that there is no level of degradation, no humiliation, no cruelty that people are not willing to inflict on one another in the name of revenge, and what's worse is they are more than willing to involve the children. Now I understand why lawyers drink.
3. If you insist upon driving your fucking Vespa in the winter, let alone on a day which sees freezing rain and the kind of weather that causes city buses to jack-knife on major thoroughfares, FUCK YOU, CLOWN.
4. Facebook just gets more and more pointless as time goes on. Is it just me? Or are people replacing actual relationships with these trivial electronic ones that require little or no maintenance? What the fuck is so horrifiying about being in the moment and actually having a conversation with whoever is in front of you? Unless his name is Bucky and he's trying to feed your head into a wood chipper, maybe find out what his story is--you might learn something. You people who feel the need to update your status everytime you change directions in traffic or report a shift in the ambient temperature of your office--you're addicted to your devices and you need an intervention. Jeez.
5. Pursuant to point 4, please shove your cellphone up your ass, specifically if you are driving. Studies show that texting or talking on the phone while driving is the equivalent to driving while under the influence of alcohol. And distracted driving is illegal. What, the law doesn't apply to you? You're some kind of speshul snoflake? The law is inconvenient? YOU CAN LICK MY ASSHOLE TIL IT BLEEDS.
IN OTHER NEWS, ON THE POSITIVE SIDE
1. I started a second job this week, reading tarot in a local shop where the owner is ethical, warm and supportive. And I had a really successful first day. And as a result of asking the Universe humbly for what I would like, I have a number of students interested in learning how to read Tarot, which will be an excellent opportunity to teach and learn and make a little extra cash right around Christmas time.
2. I am really getting into this whole soapstone carving thing. I received my first commission which is ready for delivery, and I am now planing my first series of sculptures centered on a theme. The series will be called "OMG", and will depict deities in various situations, delivering their messages to a contemporary audience. For example, Buddha in a typical meditative pose, but in his hands a cellphone, and he's texting, "Man, This Zen Shit's Hard."
3. We adopted a three-month-old schnauzer, named Dieter Schnitzel. He is adorable, but a bundle of energy. Our other two dogs, who are Jack Russell Terriers (dogs not noted for their serenity), occasionally look at us with haunted eyes and expressions that say, "WTF???" Dieter's quite bright (he already knows "sit", for exmple), but the other two obviously consider him spastic. Nipper is no slouch in the energy department herself, but you can see her thinking, "Does the new kid ever sleep? Jeez, I can't catch a break. I like rocks! Why is France so far away?" (Well, she *is* a JRT, after all.)
Anyway, good luck slogging through another week of this Universal Shit Show! I'm putting on my big girl panties and hoping the casualties are minimal.
ME, TOO.
Yanno why? Apparently, Mercury is in retrograde. Maybe you don't believe in all that hocus pocus, or maybe you're more inclined to believe that everyone around you is in full-on douchebag mode. It's all true. And yanno what else is true? Mercury doesn't fix itself until the 26th, so we have a whole other week to put up with this bullshit.
WHEEE. CAN'T FUCKIN' WAIT.
Because this past week has been a long, uninterupted litany of selfishness, passive aggression, and relentless stupidity. Attention clients: if I tell you over the phone that the lawyer is in court all day and cannot return your call, that information does not magically change if you email me fifteen minutes later. No, I will not give you the lawyer's cell phone number. Yes, your matter is important, but so is everyone else's.
Important things to remember, people:
1. Stay on your meds.
2. Everytime you call, it costs you money. Choose your issues wisely.
3. Details about your (anal) sex life are rarely pertinent or interesting to anyone except you. Unless details are solicited, keep them to yourself.
Other Things That Have Occurred To Me Over the Last While:
1. I am committed to being a vegetarian, I really am, but sometimes, I just want a big mother-fucking plate of beef ribs, goddamit. And don't spare the sauce. I don't give a damn about the subsequent diarrhea. Just get me an economy-sized box of Depends, some moist towelettes and get in the fucking car; we're going to Royal Buffet.
2. Most people require some kind of supervision. And by the time they need a lawyer, they also need a shrink. Criminals are typically more honest and straightforward compared to a divorcing couple. When a criminal shivs a guy, he gets convicted, does his time and gets on with it. Family Law has taught me that there is no level of degradation, no humiliation, no cruelty that people are not willing to inflict on one another in the name of revenge, and what's worse is they are more than willing to involve the children. Now I understand why lawyers drink.
3. If you insist upon driving your fucking Vespa in the winter, let alone on a day which sees freezing rain and the kind of weather that causes city buses to jack-knife on major thoroughfares, FUCK YOU, CLOWN.
4. Facebook just gets more and more pointless as time goes on. Is it just me? Or are people replacing actual relationships with these trivial electronic ones that require little or no maintenance? What the fuck is so horrifiying about being in the moment and actually having a conversation with whoever is in front of you? Unless his name is Bucky and he's trying to feed your head into a wood chipper, maybe find out what his story is--you might learn something. You people who feel the need to update your status everytime you change directions in traffic or report a shift in the ambient temperature of your office--you're addicted to your devices and you need an intervention. Jeez.
5. Pursuant to point 4, please shove your cellphone up your ass, specifically if you are driving. Studies show that texting or talking on the phone while driving is the equivalent to driving while under the influence of alcohol. And distracted driving is illegal. What, the law doesn't apply to you? You're some kind of speshul snoflake? The law is inconvenient? YOU CAN LICK MY ASSHOLE TIL IT BLEEDS.
IN OTHER NEWS, ON THE POSITIVE SIDE
1. I started a second job this week, reading tarot in a local shop where the owner is ethical, warm and supportive. And I had a really successful first day. And as a result of asking the Universe humbly for what I would like, I have a number of students interested in learning how to read Tarot, which will be an excellent opportunity to teach and learn and make a little extra cash right around Christmas time.
2. I am really getting into this whole soapstone carving thing. I received my first commission which is ready for delivery, and I am now planing my first series of sculptures centered on a theme. The series will be called "OMG", and will depict deities in various situations, delivering their messages to a contemporary audience. For example, Buddha in a typical meditative pose, but in his hands a cellphone, and he's texting, "Man, This Zen Shit's Hard."
3. We adopted a three-month-old schnauzer, named Dieter Schnitzel. He is adorable, but a bundle of energy. Our other two dogs, who are Jack Russell Terriers (dogs not noted for their serenity), occasionally look at us with haunted eyes and expressions that say, "WTF???" Dieter's quite bright (he already knows "sit", for exmple), but the other two obviously consider him spastic. Nipper is no slouch in the energy department herself, but you can see her thinking, "Does the new kid ever sleep? Jeez, I can't catch a break. I like rocks! Why is France so far away?" (Well, she *is* a JRT, after all.)
Anyway, good luck slogging through another week of this Universal Shit Show! I'm putting on my big girl panties and hoping the casualties are minimal.
6 comments:
I want ribs now. But pork ribs.
Strangely, pork is not one of those meats that I miss. Chicken, though....
Chick'n! Quorn?! All I know is there is this vegan, believe it or not, semi-fast food place called Veggie Grill here. Everything on the menu is vegan. I am not, but everything is still delicious, and it's not even all fried. :))
Wanna hear more about the shit show!!
Bison. Lamb.
Somehow I knew if you associated with people that feel they need lawyers, it would show up on the blog sooner or later.
Stupid robot test.
Nipper's train of thoughts is alarmingly similar to what i imagine goes through Frances' head at any given moment.
I love FB, it's a great time suck at work, and in that vein is the only "socialization" that goes on during work hours, as everyone I work with is a Grade A asshole.
All that said, I have rid my friends list of every last relative of mine, as it's tedious and unpleasant enough to deal with those drama mamas IRL, I don't need them harshing my (online) mellow (such as it is) with their passive-aggressive claptrap which they think passes for clever repartee.
And FWIW, if you ever find yourself in NYC, I have the perfect place to take you to strap on the ol' feed bag for some authentic Dim Sum, wherein some delicious (albeit, pork) ribs can be procured. And if it's the beefy counterpart, I'd gladly dry age some boneless beef rib for your dining enjoyment.
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