Sweet Piss

I opened my schedule book last week and looked over my To Do list. And there next to "Milk" and "Bread" and "Dr. Appt" was "Get diabetes".

So I went off to my Doctor's appointment, because she wanted to go over the results of the blood tests I had the week before. Did I forget to mention the blood tests? I did. I probably also forgot to mention that I have a new doctor now, because the other one, Norman, was something of a tool. So, yeah, I have a new G.P. who is really, really thorough. She not only sent me for blood tests, but also ordered an ECG and wanted me to whiz in a cup. And then she booked a physical and two ultrasounds. WTF?

And I'll tell you, those blood tests were fuckin' AWFUL. I have really low blood pressure and I'm FAT, so the technicians (yes, two of them were required!) had difficulty finding a vein. They ended up taking blood out of the back of my hands, and, because my b.p. is so low, the veins would just stop flowing before they got enough to do tests on. I had two puncture wounds in each hand; I looked like the victim of an incompetent vampire.

Anyway, the doctor wanted to see me before my physical in early February, and when she got me into the exam room, she told me that I have Type II diabetes. SCORE! I am *such* an over-achiever! Not only that, my thyroid is borderline, I show signs of having fatty liver disease and I'm not menopausal, so there is no good reason why my uterus has decided to stop shedding its lining every month. How's that for starters? HIGH FIVES!

She's putting me on metformin, which she says is really hard on the G.I tract and may cause nausea, vomitting and diarrhea (to which Janet says, "How will you know?" LOL @ her when I SHIT THE BED!).

The metformin is supposed to make me more sensitive to my insulin, as apparently I have been a jerk to my it, and it blabbed everything to the doctor during the bloodtests. When I got in the car after the appointment, I said, "Oh, sorry, insulin; have I been INSENSITIVE? Have I been ignoring you? Does my liver feel overworked? Whatever! I'm going for a beer!"(I was careful not to actually go for a beer, though, cuz honestly, you don't want to piss off your internal organs.)

On the positive side, I understand that the urine of diabetics is quite sweet, so I'm thinking of marketing my pee as pop. It'll look (and taste) like Mountain Dew. Swear.

As well, the metformin is supposed to help with weight loss, and that's a positive thing, because being diabetic and untreated is probably why Weight Watchers didn't work for me while I was going. Once the metformin gets into my system, I'll have to try it again, and see if I have more success with it.If I have as much success getting well as I have getting sick, I'll be running marathons in no time!