The Return of Two Clowns

This blog has been almost eerily quiet because there has been so little going on at work. Teeth has been extraordinarily well behaved and Two Clowns has been very busy working on negotiations with some drivers that were on strike. I don't think she was in charge of the negotiations, since she can barely navigate the four corners of her own office, but she has been noticeably absent from breaks and lunch hours.

But now that the strike has been resolved, Two Clowns has unfortunately reappeared. With her usual elan, she showed up at Yvette's cubicle yesterday to offer her support following Yvette's mother's death on Sunday. Yvette, who was very close to her mom, naturally looked wan and pale; her eyes were puffy and it was amazing to me that she was in the office at all.

Two Clowns poked her head over the cubicle wall and asked, "How're you doing?"

Yvette shrugged. "I'm alright," she said unconvincingly.

"Jeez, Yvette, you look like shit," said Two Clowns and walked off.

Nice going, bitch. I'm sure she needed to hear that.

That was just mean-spirited and thoughtless, but the other story regarding Two Clowns illustrates how fucking clueless she is about life in general.

Apparently, she received an email from some guy in the UK, telling her that she has won several hundreds of thousands of pounds in a lottery run by one of the banks. She has been directed to send a certain amount of her own money to Western Union in order for the guy to post the money to her account.

Two Clowns sent all of this correspondence to the RCMP and Scotland Yard, and the RCMP are looking into it. Despite their warnings, she has spoken to the alleged fraudster, who she says has a strong Middle Eastern accent. The cops have told her that these people can be very dangerous and that she should avoid contact with them.

Naturally, Two Clowns is undaunted.

"They can bring it!" she reportedly told the cops. "But, maybe you could give me a weapon!"

"Uh, well, we can't actually go around arming our citizens," the cops supposedly said.

"Too bad," replied Two Clowns, "cuz I'd make this guy afraid."

Yeah, I'm pretty sure these wealthy, well-connected con artists would quake in their sandals if they knew they were dealing with an assassin from Canada's navy.

I don't for a minute believe that she presented such bravado to the cops; given the consuming insecurities that cause her to be such a fucking liar in the first place, I'm sure the conversation went more like this:

"OMG! These people know how to contact me!! Can't you put me in protective custody or something??? Can't you give me a gun? Or mace??? ANYTHING!!! Hell, I'll even take a stapler at this point!"

But the fact that she tells this story around the office just makes me roll my eyes. I can't for the life of me figure out how she can be so completely unaware of how ridiculous she seems to the rest of the office. She seems blissfully unware that she is universally considered a lying asshole.

I suppose she gets away with it because we are a co-operative society, which is proof to me that this co-operation thing is very much over-rated.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted, but of course, the outcome won't bear any resemblance to reality (which is the appeal of the on-going story, of course). The cops will look into it, the guys will elude capture and/or detection and the whole incident will fade away. Except that when Two Clowns tells it, these people will visit her house to demand her money, and the whole situation will culminate in a blazing shoot-out where she appears on her roof in a wife-beater and camo pants with an AK-47 strapped to her arm for the salvation of Western civilization.

Can't fuckin' wait.