Never Volunteer For Anything

Months ago at a staff meeting, Springsteen and Head Office Lady indicated that they were looking for volunteers to take over one of the billing tasks currently assigned to the biller known informally as Hitler, because she was being trained on other things. I foolishly raised my hand. I naively thought that this would indicate my willingness to invest in the company and make it more likely for them to hire me on permanent full-time. (And we all know how THAT has panned out, don't we?)

I started training for the new task (which I shall refer to as The Bullshit) in June and realized very quickly why all of the other billers sat on their hands and avoided making eye contact with Head Office Lady. At one point last week, I went into Springsteen's office and said, "I don't think I can do This Bullshit anymore." I almost left the building. Honest to Gawd, it's too complex to get into in detail here: let's just say that we better be making a metric fuck-ton of money off of these customers, because the process for invoicing these bills is fucking ridiculous. All That Bullshit is in the top five reasons why I am seeking employment elsewhere. It's complicated, it's boring, it's an unweildy process and I've had to do it all myself because Hitler is working from home so she can care for her terminally ill mother ("I have to wipe her bum." Actual quote. Again, what is it with this office and the lack of boundaries surrounding personal information???)

Furthermore, it was a little galling to see my old task go to The Cub.

But you know, sometimes when you want something badly enough, your prayers are answered.

On Sunday, the Cub was in a car accident. She's not badly hurt at all, but her doctor has ordered her to be off work for the next ten days. And then she starts school to upgrade her high school. (She wants to be a NURSE!) Convenient, huh? Not hurt, no whiplash, but off work for ten days and then school! Hmmmm...well, I smell something rotten in the state of Denmark, but I'm NOT COMPLAINING.

Because it means I get my old work back.

And Hitler has to take The Bullshit back, at least for the forseeable future.

I confess, I am a little disappointed that I won't be seeing The Cub again any time soon. Not that I enjoyed her vapid conversation, her constant fucking the dog or her loud hiccupping several times a day (followed invariably by juvenile sniggering. Srsly).

It's just that recently, I learned that if one scratches a message into the surface of a banana with a toothpick, overnight the wounds darken to reveal the message. I was hoping to start leaving messages on her fruit like

YOU'RE NEXT

and

I SEE YOU

as well as

BIMBO

or

SLUNT

Of course, although The Cub is gone, Teeth and Two Clowns remain to plague my days, and I am very happy to accept suggestions from you, dear readers, regarding messages that could be scratched into THEIR fruit.