Monday, 8 May 2017

Bus Stawp

WARNING: This post contains graphic content. And I don't just mean my usual swearing. I mean there might be material in this post that upsets some of you. You've been warned.

Listen, I know I'm an elitist snob. I know I live in enormous privilege, although I do try to be aware of this and grateful. I know also that I am a misanthropist, and this combination of people hating and privilege means that there are just certain things I avoid doing entirely. 

Like riding public transit. As mentioned in my previous post about the rec centres, if a large number of the public are expected to be in attendance, I just avoid doing it. And although it would be better for the planet environmentally if I hopped the Shame Train, I won't. At least, not daily.

Another part of my job is reading the bus reports that come in from the transit authority and either archiving them or assigning them to be opened as claims. The bus drivers report everything. I mean, everything, from collisions to when some dumb fuck stumbles getting off the bus and does a lipstand on the sidewalk (I am an unpleasant person, obviously, because I LOVE reading those ones). Clearly, taking public transit on any kind of consistent basis is just asking to be exposed some variety of dipshittery. 

One of the worst routes is the Number Eight, or as my friend, The Widow, calls it, "the Ocho". The Ocho is so rife with shitty behaviour that she was for awhile considering a blog called, "Riding the Ocho", a compendium of all the crap she saw while traversing the City on this route. (It is still one my great disappointments that this blog never materialized.)

So, what does one see on the bus? Motor vehicle collisions are common. No, I lie--they are frequent. I don't know how one can miss a large 20 ft long vehicle that chuffs and farts like a fat guy after too long at the buffet, but at least twice a week some ditch donkey tries to cut the bus off and clips the bumper or rearends one while it's stopped. And this is not during the winter, children! This is when driving conditions are dry and clear.

One of the biggest complaints we get are about these inadequate dipshits in oversized pickups (usually called something ridiculous like "Titan" or "Avalanche"--oh, the fragile male ego! These are probably the same primates who get their hair cut at Tommy Gun's) who bomb past the bus and clip the bus's mirror with their own. And they don't stop! They just keep driving!

Still these are all usually pretty minor incidents and typically don't result in very much damage (to the bus) or injuries. It's actually riding the bus that you'll find the most disturbing/disgusting/unbelievable crap. I mean, you can take that literally, if you like--there is plenty of pant-shitting on the bus, to be sure. 

And let's not forget the young girls who spit on the bus. Right in the aisle!

Perhaps one of the most revolting incidents I read about was this one: a young guy was half asleep on his way home. He was careful to note in the incident report that he was wearing an expensive Perry Ellis coat and hoodie. He even noted the monetary value of each. So there he was, blissfully snoozing his way home from the office when the chick in the seat behind him barfed all over him, thereby ruining his clothes. 

Poor bugger. There's not much we can do for him in that case, I mean we're hardly liable for the actions of Barf Babe, but he has my sympathies. 

It's shit like this that keeps me off the Loser Cruiser.

While disgusting/funny, that incident was one in which--again--no permanent damage to anyone was done. I wish it was always so, but lately in our City, it has become a "thing" to assault the bus drivers. And I don't just mean slap them in the back of the head as you alight out the front door, either. No. I mean that a couple of times in the recent past, some troglodyte has beaten the bus driver to the point where one will never work at anything in his life ever again. 

But perhaps the most heartbreaking incident regarding public transit I can relate is the story of a young man who, according to the transit security videos, spent the better portion of the morning riding the train back and forth from the north to the southside. He never exhibited any agitation or aggression, or anything unusual at all. He just showed up on the camera several times changing cars, etc.

Then, at one point, he deboarded the train and seemed to loiter a bit on the platform. He checked his phone, but again, appeared calm and composed. While the train waited to take on passengers for the trip further south, the young man approached the edge of the platform and sat down on the edge, his legs dangling over. After a moment, he hopped down onto the track in between the two cars. 

And there, he waited patiently for another few seconds until the train left the station. He was immediately caught between the second car and the platform, which forced him to turn front-to-back, back-to-front for the entire length of the car until the operator realized what had happened and stopped the train immediately.

By that time, of course, the damage was done. The young man was virtually cut in half. Surprisingly, he survived somehow for two days following the accident. He was 16 years old, and in the two days before he died, no-one came forward to report their son missing.

And yes, I saw the video.

Well, after that, I think we need a little something to lighten the mood, don't you?

The Claim this week comes from the Transit Files and concerns a claimant who is so fucking stupid, she failed the stool test. This walking, talking synapse-free zone submitted a claim complaining that she fell on the bus after it moved forward suddenly. Happily in this instance, we had video from inside the bus that shows the vehicle to be perfectly stationary the whole time. What really happened was that Brain-Stem-Not-Attached wasn't paying attention to where she was putting her ass, and she missed the seat COMPLETELY. Instead she went down heavily in the aisle. 

But she still wants us to pay for her physio. Even though he damage is self-inflicted. 

I hate people.

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