Wednesday, 31 May 2017

The Verbal Dance

It's Wednesday. I'm only halfway through this week, but already, it's a long one. I've had to deal with a LOT of dumb. 

Like, for example, the tuna taco who called to tell us that her fence was damaged by a "City obstacle". If you're like me, you're confused by that comment, because the fence is usually the obstacle. But no, this clueless cabbage went on to explain that there has been a "Road Closed" sawhorse in her back alley for two or three weeks and allegedly, someone ran into it yesterday, damaging her fence. She'd like us to fix it, because "...I have a dog that could get out and bite someone and I don't want to be responsible."

As if that needed saying. 

Fuck off.

Remember M. stertore, who wanted compensation for his time because he got lost on the way to the dump? His claim was denied, because there were no actual damages and the City isn't liable. If he went to the Sev and got wrong directions, would he sue 7/11? He was asked by the adjuster if he had consulted Google maps or his gps, and his response was that he is using a gps unit from when he worked at a local utilities company and couldn't download the most recent updates. This is a clear indication that he stole the gps unit from his former employer. Nevertheless, M. stertore has vowed to take this to "the highest level". The Mayor's Office? The Supreme Court of Canada? God? 

Bitch, ain't nobody got time for that. As Russell Peters would say, "Be a man." 

Fuck off.

Everybody's mad because no-one wants to take responsibility for anything, and they all wallow in vast ichorous cesspool of entitlement and ignorance as to how their local government operates. They scream and froth like mad dogs about fiscal responsibility until it's their shit that gets damaged, and then they expect us to dash off a sizeable cheque right fuckin' now.

Like the stunned bum fiddle who called me on my personal, direct line yesterday (THE cardinal offense, ladies and gentlemen) to tell me that she was involved in an incident on the bus earlier this month, and she was talking to her neighbour, who told her she could make a claim against the City and get compensation for the humiliation she endured. And she's asking for $10,000. The incident? The bus driver making out the report indicates that Bum Fiddle is a "heavy set woman of about 400 lbs" who was in a scooter. He notes she was not strapped in, although the safety straps were available. And as he turned the corner, Bum Fiddle tipped over.

Now, because I am myself a real bitch, the first thing that comes to my mind is, "Wow, how does a seated woman of that girth tip over???" However, I digress. The point is that Bum Fiddle was not injured by this incident in any physical way. We cannot put a price on her pride, she eschewed the safety devices provided to her, yet she feels absolutely confident in calling me up and asking for ten large without even going through a fucking lawyer.

Fuck off.

And now, children, it's time for 

The Claim of the Week

As all of you local folk know, we recently had some high winds. Lots of damage occurred. Tree branches fell on vehicles and into yards. It's true, a lot of City trees were involved. However, although we are a mighty municipality, we do not control the weather and we are not liable for the wind, and therefore, this is, in insurance terms, an Act of God. This is one of those situations in which you should be contacting your insurance companies. Because that is what they're for. It is simply astonishing how many people think this is an unreasonable suggestion. What do you pay that insurance company for, exactly? Is that a charitable donation? 

Anyway, the following is a letter from a claimant with what I would delicately describe as some anger management issues. She's upset by the wording in the acknowledgement letter she received about her tree branch claim. She writes:


"To whom it may concern...if in fact it concerns anybody.

Thanks for the great letter from a city that really gives a SHIT!!!

It was all put so very nicely..."I can go to my own insurance company".  Are you freaking kidding me?

It isn't a surprise that the city of ********* takes NO RESPONSIBILITY. Next time leave out the verbal dance and just tell me to FUCK OFF.*

Thanks for NOTHING


**City of Champions my ass!!!!!!"

This is after the acknowledgement letter. What the fuck is this bitch gonna do when we deny her???

* I excel at writing letters endorsing the combination of sex and travel and would welcome an opportunity to write the one this stench trench so richly deserves.

**This is a reference to the City's slogan, which is fucking lame and based on when the hockey team here (don't get me started on professional sports) had a string of consecutive victories, but that was 30 years ago, and the ballcap brigade can't let it go. It's really pathetic.




4 comments:

Adelheid Holtzfallerin said...

And the city slogan was taken off the table and put to rest officially on Monday's council meeting to boot ;)

Keith said...

It isn't often I have to look up a word used in a blog. But the definition I knew didn't match your apparent usage. I had known of the ethereal fluid in the veins of the gods, but not the acrid watery discharge from an ulcer or wound. You should feel proud of yourself. Such an all round delightful rant.

Joe Turner said...

Re: City of champions.

Kinda sorta. It kind of started that way (84 Oilers), but it really took a life as a proper slogan in the aftermath of the Black Friday Tornado. Then Mayor, Lawrence Decore used it to describe the rescue, relief and rebuilding efforts of the city. It did get reinforced as a sports thing that year just because both the Eskimos and the Oilers both won the next season.

Joe Turner said...

Re: City of champions.

Kinda sorta. It kind of started that way (84 Oilers), but it really took a life as a proper slogan in the aftermath of the Black Friday Tornado. Then Mayor, Lawrence Decore used it to describe the rescue, relief and rebuilding efforts of the city. It did get reinforced as a sports thing that year just because both the Eskimos and the Oilers both won the next season.

You're not -entierly- wrong, but it's not just the Ballcap brigade either. And there's probably a good chunk of overlap as well.