My ethical dilemma regarding how to deal with bullies continues. And I'm really struggling with this, folks. How far do I buck Teeth and still maintain my integrity?
As previously mentioned, Wolf Woman's daughter, The Cub, is working temporarily in our office doing some much-needed filing and some reception. She is not necessarily atuned to the nuances of our social heirarchy, such as all the bullshit surrounding where Teeth feels entitled to sit.
Yesterday at afternoon break, we entered the staff room to find The Cub already in Teeth's chair (which is separate from the chair she uses at lunch). Now, you must understand that there is an identical chair just a few feet away from the one in which The Cub was relaxing. And it was empty. It's usually where I sit, but I am not an asshole (well, at least not around the issue of chairs), so anyone who feels inclined to sit in it is more than welcome.
Teeth, however, approached The Cub and said, in that fucking obnoxious tone wherein she pretends to be joking but her intention is altogether serious, "Get your ass out of my chair."
The Cub looked confused. "What?" she said.
"You're in my chair. Move it," repeated Teeth, following her words with a high-pitched inane giggle that is the real-life equivalent of ;-) in an email.
Mulan suddenly grabbed one of the chairs that ring the tables where we eat our lunches and offered it to The Cub, saying, "You haf to mooove!"
So The Cub got up and moved to the identical cushy chair where I usually sit (because I had seen already how this would pan out and taken a chair at the table farthest from Teeth as I could manage). Teeth then not only took the chair that she had wrested from the Cub, but then turned Mulan's chair around to face her and put her feet up in it. And from there she proceeded to hold court for 15 minutes, insinuating herself into conversations that didn't involve her and making comments.
I briefly considered saying something to Teeth about how she needs to get over this childish territorial issue around where she sits, and if she really feels the need to have that chair and no other, maybe she could learn to honestly ask for it, rather than bullying people around.
Actually, what I wanted to say was, "Listen, Francis the talking mule, you need to get over your fucking self. You have no more entitlement to that chair than anyone else, and you certainly have no right to talk to anyone in that fashion. So why don't you get off your fat WalMart ass and sit somewhere else, preferably in another building. And while you're at it, you can floss those massive incisors with my pubic hair, you fucking ditchpig."
But I didn't. I kept my face shut. And why? It's complicated, I suppose. I didn't expect The Cub to say anything--I mean, she's only 17 in an office with her mother's "friends", women older than herself who she instinctively still sees as authority figures in some way. She's a good kid, I'd say.
But I expected perhaps a little more from her mother, Wolf Woman, who watched whole interaction without a single word. And to be sure, I don't know the whole story: maybe she's got so much going on with her sketchy husband and his out-of-control son at home that she just can't take on another issue by confronting Teeth and making waves at work, too. I dunno.
I left the lunch room shortly after that and spent it in the other pod talking to the Princess of Wales and her podmate. I was pissed off and disgusted by Teeth's behaviour, sure, but I think I was also a little disappointed in myself for not saying anything. Or at least I was struggling with why not. And I'm trying to face the facts about why not without rationalizing or having to admit that, in this case at least, I was a coward.
It's not that I haven't stood up to bullies before. As a child, I did so by speaking their own language: violence. I wasn't a scrapper, but I did have my limits. I remember being in elementary school and the school bully, Billy DeWinter (and that's his real name) was hassling me in the mud room at recess. I finally had enough, and even though he was a full head taller than I (and in a higher grade), I finally hauled off and punched him in the jaw. He hit me back, but it was the last time.
Later on, on junior high, I was harrassed by this greasy little shitbag whose name currently escapes me. Our journey home consisted of a long steep hill that ran along 64 Street in Calgary. Typically after school, I would be carrying my binders for homework, a textbook and a trumpet case, as I was in the school band. This was in the days before backpacks, so I was carrying all this in my arms with the trumpet case in one hand. The Shitbag would frequently drive up behind me on his bike and knock something flying, and if he did it right, my binder would pop open and papers would be everywhere.
One day, I was determined that the little fucker wasn't going to do this anymore. I walked along with my friend, chatting, but keeping an eye open casually for the Shitbag's approach. I saw him coming up on my left side, and tensed, reasserting my grip on the trumpet case in my right hand. I'm sure all of you know what is coming here. When he got close enough, I whirled on him and slammed that trumpet case right into his revolting little face, knocking him off the bike onto the grass.
Then I ran like fuck.
Now back then, I met violence with violence, and although it invariably got me in trouble with the adults, it nevertheless worked, at least on the bullies I was interacting with. Thereafter, they confined their interactions with me by yelling unpleasant things about my acne or whatever from a safe distance. It was still bullying, but on a scale I could handle, was how I figured it.
If I had known Teeth in junior high school, I would have eventually met her out by the bike racks and fixed her dental issues for her. And I confess, I had the urge yesterday. But obviously one can't--and shouldn't--lay a beating on one's senior biller over an issue that didn't involve one.
But then the question is, when does one get involved? It seems obvious to me that management had a talk with Teeth, because her demeanour towards me has been one of perfect respect; we only talk about neutral topics now, and the incidences of inappropriate comments about other people has dropped dramatically. So in that instance, I clearly won. How far do I want to push it? How much do I take on when it doesn't involve me directly? Part of me is tempted to do as one of my commenters suggests and start challenging her by parking in her spot and sitting in her chair, essentially calling her on her shit. I don't know if at this point, Teeth would feel confidant enough to take me on over the chair (she's usually in before me in the mornings and taking her parking spot would be harder). On one level, it would be interesting to find out how cognizant she is that I won the last round. Certainly claiming her chair would upset the office dynamic, at least in our pod.
But again, how much hassle do I want? The chair doesn't concern me, although I found her bullying of a seventeen-year-old girl appalling and childish. It's really none of my business, especially if her mother didn't feel the need to say anything. On the other hand, how much do bullies get away with because people who aren't involved decide that it "isn't their business" or "it's not up to me."
Was I coward yesterday? Or prudent?
Possibly both, but what I know is that I think I am going to start taking my breaks with the other pod, because this whole issue is affecting how I feel about going into work. I just dread breaks and lunchtime. And I'm not sure how I feel about going into Immediate Supervisor's office and saying, "I'm not happy here because Teeth is such an all-around twunt." I mean, seriously, Immediate Supervisor had my back when I mentioned the inappropriate comments Teeth made to and about me personally; is she really expected to hold my temp hand while I sort through an ethical dilemma surrounding the juvenile beahviour of her staff member of ten years? It's true the behaviour is resented amongst the rest of the staff, but it's really up to them to tell her about it. And they don't. And I won't be their Spartacus. I need this job.
But then the sad truth is that Teeth wins. Again. And it drives me absolutely crazy that that sophomoric, nasty dimwit gets all that power and then abuses it.
Oh, and Mrs. Orange quit. Her boyfriend ostensibly got a job in Saudi making $700.00 a day as a safety inspector or something, so she didn't bother showing up. She didn't even call. They just noticed all of her shit was gone from her desk on Wednesday morning. Amazing, huh?
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"You own everything that happened to you. Share your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better." --Anne Lamott
10 comments:
Spartacus does come to mind. Anne, i know you need the job, but observing from this outside angle, how much longer will it be before you hate the job because of her and leave for greener pastures. Or, be leaving when your temp time there ends. You derive happiness from a comfortable status quo, most of us do. But comfortable is not what you, or the others,have there. I do understand the position you are in, and I think it won't be easy to disrupt the dynamics she brings to your office. But if you do decide to take action verbally, I believe you can do so using respectful reasoning, you do have some very good leadership abilities and I think you could very well call her on her bullshit *when she does it in your presence* because it DOES affect you directly. You may not be a *cop* but you very much can champion a person who is being bullied. social policing has to be the responsibility of all imho. Respectfully, reasonably argued expectations of social conduct is everyone's right. And if that fails that's when the authorities should be utilized.
There's a tv series called "What Would You do?" on latenight tv that really does kind bring the concept home. Puts it in plain light just where the bystanders responsibility can come into play. I liked it.
So, that's my imho 2 cents.
Baird.
Or you could blow up her car.
Prudent. That's what you were. You have only so much energy for dealing with issues. Save it for the ones that matter to you. Truly matter. So the cub got chewed a little. That's the mother's fight if there is one. So your other co-workers get bullied; that's THEIR problem. Unless of course you're wearing superhero underwear that you aren't telling the rest of us about.
She's treating you with more respect, (for now) that's good. But old habits die hard and I would bet actual money that she slips and lets fly with the verbal abuse on you again. And when she does, you cut loose on her. THAT'S where you put your energy.
A physical response to a physical bully is as good as any, since as a child it's the only language they understand. But you can't meet Teeth out in the parking lot, much as you might like to. You don't even need to do stuff like take her chair or parking spot. Those are trivial. You've smacked her where it counts and on some level she knows it. Depending on the policies at your work, another round of verbal abuse could put her job in jeopardy. Seeing her backside heading out the door for the last time is better than taking her parking spot a thousand times.
I agree with Keith, that you were prudent. I think there's a limit to how much of this you can take on directly.
At the same time, it is affecting how you feel about work.
My two cents: Adult workplace bullying is different from schoolyard bullying. With adult bullying, psychologists talk about "targets" rather than "victims," because adult bullies tend to go after people they feel threatened by, rather than people they can intimidate. Adult bullies also tend to use social tactics rather than physical ones. Teeth doesn't sound like a particularly skilled bully, she sounds more like a kid bully who just never stopped bullying, because it's worked for her.
You might want to do a search on-line for information about adult workplace bullying (contact me privately if you want, since I've done this myself and I know what search terms I used), think about it, and possibly find some information that's authoritative and convincing. Then go to your supervisor and say something like, "I appreciate the way you stepped in on my behalf." Maybe give a report on how things have improved for you, this is how you're dealing with it now, by taking breaks away from Teeth and trying to limit your interactions. But that it's still uncomfortable, you're just bringing this to their attention, that Teeth does create a generally unpleasant atmosphere. Provide a few examples, including names of people, like the Cub, who have been directly affected, but be descriptive, no judgement (I'm sure you know how to do this).
They probably know about the cost of adult workplace bullying and the toll it takes on workers and the work they do. If you've found some good information about the cost of workplace bullying (it has both a direct cost in productivity as well as many indirect costs such as lost workdays, less productive staff and so on) possibly give the supervisor copies of what you've found, then leave them to decide how they want to address it, if at all.
There are ways they can address this. Perhaps they can do a session on teamwork or some other aspect of the workplace environment that comes at this indirectly.
This way, you've done something pro-active, but you yourself are not stepping into the fray. If you do it respectfully and thoughtfully, it doesn't make you look like a trouble maker. If management are enlightened and genuinely want to make this a productive working environment, then they need people to tell them honestly if things are not working.
I wouldn't go at Teeth directly, because then you're setting yourself up as a target in a different way and you don't need that. Even though she's not skilled, she IS using the social tactic of isolating the target so no-one feels they can say anything, which in itself is intimidation. I think only someone of a higher rank than her can directly challenge that.
Over time, if you stay there a while, you may be able to find ways to question what she's doing. Not challenge, simply question. "There's another chair right there, Teeth. Why not sit there?" Or "do we have seats assigned?" Or suggest an alternative to the person she's just targetted.
Teeth is truly hateful and obnoxious, isn't she? I guess she's rather proud of being King of Turd Hill. She is the Smug Queen of Shitheap, hoo-rah. Oh well, at least you're one snitch down. While I would love for you to sit in her chair, I would love it almost as much if everyone just stopped eating lunch with her. That is probably the high road, mature, and intelligent approach. Though I wouldn't know anything about that...(lifts leg)...fart. :)
Ok, I like what JoAnn had to say.
I hate to say it but in a way this is your problem. The behavior is, as JoAnn said costing the company money and costing you the harmony of a job you not only need but like.
As no one else in the current clique has the balls to stand up to the minor injustices then someone has to. My advice is to document each instance of abuse and submit it anonymously to your supervisor. That way the company has an opportunity to fix the problem (like posting signage in the lunch room that makes it clear that there is no assigned seating for example). I know this may seem cowardly at first but if in the event of a major problem you can confront the supervisor directly and you have a bit more ammo then just that one incedent. This is not going to end well for someone and the company is not going to want a wrongfull dismisal suit on their hands so give them the tools they need to get rid of this disruptive influence.
One more thing, the very reason that the universe put you in this place at this time may just have been to help these people out of a bad situation because who else would do it better?
I'm just gonna blow up her car.
Singing: Nobody does it better...nobody does it...quite the way you do...baby, you're the...KABOOM!! (teeth clattering to the pavement)...sigh of relief!
LMAO! You rock, Pisser!
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