Douchebag Dirt

Before I begin, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank douchebags parked in front of my house for being the finest examples of lazy, selfish twats. I can't use my garage, asswipes, because the back alley is impassable. Yesterday, I got stuck up to my axles in slush and needed the Hunneydoo and a kind neighbour (who never parks in front of our place) to shovel me out. If I could use my garage, I assure you, I would. Instead, I am forced to park on the street in front of my house, except that I can't because you fucking jerk-offs are there, because you're too lazy to drive up the street and turn around in the alley so that you can park in front of your own places. Except for the fact that I don't want the hassle with the heat, I would happily pelt your SUVs with golf balls fired out of a slingshot at close range. Fuck you, shitheaps.

And speaking of shitheaps…

The pettiness constantly demonstrated at the office truly astounds me. It seems that people will take any opportunity that even remotely presents itself to take something completely unrelated to them personally.

For example: two weeks ago, my crew decided to eschew our bag lunches and spring for Chinese food. It was cheap, hot and delicious. Unfortunately, Sylvester decided to take it as a personal affront that we didn't include her in this (to which I said, privately to Princess Anne, "Well, what's the point of my taking my break with people I like if hafta take my break with her?" I mean, I don't mind Sylvester per se, but unfortunately, Teeth comes attached. So to speak).

So when we were finished our Chinese food, we invited the Other Pod to finish it (as there was plenty) and Sylvester roundly snubbed us.

"No," she said, "that's fine."

Well, fuck you then. Don't eat it. And so we were quite careful not to make a big deal of it when the Other Pod ordered Chinese food this afternoon for their lunch (on Sylvester's day off, ">hahahaha). But we did remark amongst ourselves on the pettiness of the reaction our own lunch had inspired.

"Well, what do you expect?" said the Princess of Wales. "These women have shitty lives, married to assholes and they work at shitty jobs going nowhere. It's easier to stir up shit for other people than to change your life."

Then, she and Princess Anne let me in on some of the dirt exhibited by certain of the husbands at the staff do back in January. And let me tell you, these men are pigs. Teeth's husband told Yvette, one of my new podmates, that she was "fucking hawt", although whether Teeth was in the immediate vicinity, I don't know.

And then Wolf Woman's husband said to Wolf Woman once they got home from said do, "When you get in on Monday, tell Yvette she's got a fucking hawt ass." And Wolf Woman's self-esteem is sufficiently in the toilet that she dutifully passed the message on the following Monday.

I don't get it, but it makes me feel all icky, especially having met Wolf Woman's husband on numerous occasions: shaves his head, looks in need of a shower all the time, smells of cigarette smoke, and apparently has no respect whatsoever for Wolf Woman, which is hardly surprising, given that she has none for herself.

They share a child together, who is a young lad with some behavioural issues related to ADD impulsivity. He has been prescribed medication to help him with these issues and when he is on the meds, his behaviour is much improved. But sometimes, the poor little guy doesn't get the meds because Mommy and Daddy need smokes that week. And they are perennially short on cash because Wolf Woman's husband owes thousands of dollars in child support every month because he's got something like five different kids out there for whom he is responsible (biologically, anyway).

And Teeth's husband is no better: he operates a snow removal business in the winter and a landscaping business in the summer, which is remarkable, because he doesn't have a drivers license due to being so far behind in child support payments. So all the insurance, registration and ownership of the vehicles, including a truck, quad and bobcat, are in Teeth's name. And don't think for a minute that she doesn't take every opportunity to rub his nose in that, which I'm sure plays a large role in why he makes harrassing comments to other women with whom Teeth works.

It's like a fucking train wreck, and I cannot understand why or even how these people continue to grind out their existence in these revolting relationships and not change their lives. Maybe they don't even realize that they are unhappy. Maybe they grew up thinking this is what it's supposed to be like. Maybe, in the case of Teeth's rednecked pigdog, they feel trapped, financially or otherwise.

But holy crap! I can see making these mistakes (I did, we've all had dysfunctional relationships and made mistakes) when you're twenty years old and fresh outta the nest. But these people are in their forties (yes, even Teeth). It certainly makes me grateful for what I have in my life and the relationships with which I have been blessed.