(The camera looks over the shoulder of a figure dressed in a black cowboy hat and leather vest. In the distance, in front of the church in the middle of the street, stands ME, wearing a wide-brimmed Spanish hat and a Mexican serape. One corner of the serape is thrown over my shoulder and my fingers twitch as they hover over the polished handle of my Colt revolver in the holster slung over over my right hip.
(Sagebrush bounces lazily across the street between us and out of the shot.
(ECU: me--my steely blue eyes narrowed under the brim of my hat, the dog-end of a cherrot clenched between my [nice, perfectly-aligned] teeth.)
ME (in a gravelly voice): I'm a biller.
(ECU: my opponent: tall, blonde, older and harder-looking. She's been ridden hard and put away wet a few times, but makes an effort not to show it.)
HER: I'm a manager.
ME (with rising impatience): I have diabetes and an ovarian cyst named Bryan Adams.
HER (spits in the dirt contemptuously): I have my period 28 days a month.
ME (shifting on my feet, ready for action): I had a clown at my eighth birthday party.
HER: I had two clowns. And pony rides.
ME (gritting teeth): Who are you?
HER: They call me Two Clowns. Word of advice to you, newcomer, since you're new to our pod. I don't have conversations, I have competitions. I don't care if I have to lie: I'm smarter, more accomplished, more knowledgeable...hell, I'm just better than you. Better than everyone. It doesn't matter what your experience is: I've already done it, and done it bigger and better than anyone else who has ever lived. You took Chemistry in high school? Big deal: I invented an alloy. You got a cold? Fuck you. I died on the way to work this morning and gave myself CPR. You got drunk on the weekend? Lightweight! I drank a case of tequila by myself. In twenty minutes. And then finished the New York Times crossword puzzle while performing brain surgery on an oyster.
ME (with mounting frustration): Why? Why can't we just converse?
TWO CLOWNS (lights a cigarette, flicks the match into the street): That's just how I roll, man. That's just how I roll. But if it pisses you off so much, I hear Teeth is looking for people to take her break with.
ME: No, I'm good. Buy you a coffee?
(TWO CLOWNS and ME saunter off the street side-by-side towards the saloon. Camera pans back to take in the entire town. Cue titles: in Western-style script burnt into the screen like a branding iron:)
TWO CLOWNS
There's One In Every Crowd
6 comments:
Hah! Yeah, I know someone like that. If I get a blue one, he once owned a red one that went twice as fast and he paid half what I did for it.
After awhile you just stop trying with people like that.
Hmmmm. Hang around triathletes much? I think I heard that conversation a little while ago, with only slightly different wording.
And speaking as a guy with some experience in these matters, dealing with women actually at that time of month isn't so bad. You just cower and hide; she's usually wrapped up enough in affairs of her own that she'll ignore you. It's before or after that time of the month. That's when they're both grumpy AND willing to go to the effort of hunting you down and making you do what she wants you to do.
I've never actually noticed a difference in women during their cycles, possibly because I have a cycle of my own to distract me from theirs. And this particular compulsive liar has nothing to do with me--she's in another department completely. She's typically pleasant, she just reeks of bullshit, which is at least entertaining most of the time.
I have a Two Clowns! Trouble is, when I'm feeling sick, she's always sicker :\ Can't go into work or she will out-sick me and we try to beat each other out the door and we can't both cram through...next time will try a Mexican standoff ;P
(Laugh may ass off while I roll all around the floor)lmaowiraaf.
Sound just like some one else you know, maybe this woman is so intimidated by your conversation that your forcing her to tell lies just so she can be as intersting?
(Oh MY God In a Girdle)omgiag that is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I love you so much (wipe tear from eye).
Maybe Girlfriend needs a coffee before her notcho chicken! LMAO!
(apologies to everyone else for the flagrant use of inside jokes)
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